Husband.

I know that everyone has a different life path to walk and I have known sense I was a small child that I would have a much rockier path to walk then some. I have known many sorrows in my life. When my husband and I were engaged and I knew he had had a much easier life up to that point then I. I told him that if he were to marry me that his life would really change and that he would know true sadness. I said I would understand if he chose to not go through with the wedding. He held me and said you are worth anything I would have to go through and I love your family like they are my own already. So the poor man at times I wonder if he has regretted that. But he has stood by and wept with me and with feelings unknown to him. He was with me and I held him the second worst day of my life which he told me was the worst of his when we were told my mother was on full life support and had little chance of pulling through. Although he has also seen so many miracles as well, my mother is alive.

I have been so amazed at how I have seen my husband grow. He has shown such love to my family and my sisters who did not nor do no have someone to turn to in times of need. I have seen how he cares so much for my mother. If we are concerned about her he has not a second thought to jump into the car and run to her. I have seen her crawl onto her bed next to her when she has been sick to ask if she has been taking care of herself.

He has been there for me through the passing of my dearest friend and within a month we found that his dear friend had cancer. So we have been struggling with his friend and this cancer and it has been up and down but as of late it has seemed like it was going well. But last night we got the message from him that his cancer is bad and getting worse.

“I hate the look in my husband’s eyes as he said to me I should not know so many people who have passed away or are so sick, I am only twenty nine.” My heart goes out to him so much.

Now I some how have to set aside my pain and sorrow and fear of losing my friend because he needs me and have asked for support. I have got to find the power within myself to support our friend. I, having just finished reading “Mists of Avalon” like the idea of finding my inner Goddess. Not as a religious view as my religion has not changed but I do believe that I have not been living up to my potential. And I think I have let my inner Goddess sleep. I think her beauty nap is over. I need to awaken the Goddess within and accept the challenges that God has placed before me. But how?

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? Birthday!

My birthday is here again. It seems that they come more frequently. Now that I have broken that “thirty” benchmark it does not matter what the number that comes after it may be. I am glad to see this year pass.

I have lost so much in this past year. Starting with Jan my dearest friend, no more will we spend our birthday’s spending way too much money going to hotels in Idaho or Park City and sitting and chatting for hours and plotting the book that we will never write. One year ago today was the last time that I hugged you.

I do not know the plans that are held by the entities beyond us but I know that I feel your loss daily in my life. We shared the loss of our sibling’s just months apart. And we shared many of the same sorrows but now you have left me here to morn you alone. It seems so unfair. I fear that all those that I get close to are to be lost to me as well. I do not trust and I have so shrunken from life to try and avoid my life for fear of more pain or loss.

Now this is not the first time that I have had to pick myself up and try to open my heart again and trust. It is just so hard. I thought that with the loss of my brother that I would never again know true happiness or laugh without force. But I did. And I even learned to love openly. I met a wonderful friend, a wonder husband, and the most amazing child. All of which I thought was lost to me due to the pain of which I thought my heart would never heal.  But it does. It just takes time. So I am taking time.

Well to another year. And I hope I have learned from this past year and that I will heal my heart in this next one.  “After all tomorrow is another day”

Ethics

How do you make a choice between something you feel is ethically wrong and supporting your friend? I long ago decided that the way I wanted to live my life was by being able to stand behind everything I say or do. I choose what I feel is the “ethical” path. Or at least what I feel is ethical in my mind. Once when I was in an interview I was asked the question:

“What is one decision you have made in a job that you have regretted, why and what would you do now?” I thought for a while about that longer then you should in an interview. And after I had truly thought about it I answered “Nothing, I do not make decisions that I can not stand behind. The woman looked at me as though to say “do you really think that is going to impress me” and she said “really, there is no time where you have made a decision where you regretted your choice…ever” and I looked her in the eye and said “No. I make decision that I think through and I stand behind the decision I make.

I do not believe that you could make an effective leader if you do not stand behind your decision. But it is easy if you have chosen a moral and ethical path and make all of your choices from there. Is it easy always? No but I can not live any other way.

So I guess it all comes down to this I can not make any other choice but to stand with my ethics and hope that all goes well.

Beverage rage!

Is it really to much to ask to be able to go to Starbucks and say what I want and get it? Does that seem so elusive a task? I have to make them remake my beverage almost every time. Now I have calmly waited while they squandered my time to remake my drink. I breath in a Zen like manner trying to think that maybe this is a new person who doesn’t know what they are doing. But when the barista has the audacity to say “you should try it like that. Its good.” I just want to pull out a glove and slap that barista across the face. If I wanted it that way I would have ordered it!

Nobody talks like that.

Now I have told you!

Now I have told you!

Alright if you can not understand what it is that I am attempting to convey to you that is most likely due to the fact that you have learned how to communicate using nine digits. And no it is not proper to spell later as l8r! This is why you said to me “why are you talking like that? No body talks like that.” Number one why would you think I gave the slightest consideration to what anyone would think? Number two as to why I would be speaking like this it is because it is the proper way to present oneself. And I chose to set myself in a good light for those to whom it may matter. If someone is not comprehending what I am communicating that has eliminated them from the category of those who matter and the issue has been resolved. So if for some unfortunate reason you find yourself lost in this post or understanding only the term l8r then maybe you should find yourself a class somewhere or go to your closest library. So now you know.

The meaning of family.

That is so hard to answer. I know that all too well. Family is such an odd thing it is a group of people who you have no choice in that are forever a part of your life. And yet they can and really should be the best part of your life. You do have to forgive great trespasses at times. At times it is so hard to love and understand family. But they do know you better then most. And starting my own family I pray that I can instill in my family to love and cherish each other.