Today I have been an emotional rollercoaster. Right now as I am locked up in my bedroom being quiet so that my husband can study for his third actuarial exam which is on Tuesday (election day)I tend to get sucked into my thoughts. I find this is not the best thing for me. I just keep thinking that somehow I will get pregnant right away. Considering that my doctor said wait and the fact that I have P.C.O.S (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I have huge doubts that it will happen fast if I am able to get pregnant again. I sit and think shit happens but I am starting to wonder why I seem to be getting more then my share. Maybe I really needed to be fertilized to grow ….or something.
I have been deciding that I need to redo my daughter’s room and make it child proof again. I did this before but then she figured out how to open her closet and that was bad. But I am thinking of getting her a new and larger dresser the one I have is really cool for sentimental reasons, it was my mother’s when she was a child, but it is old and very unsteady. Also I have way too much stuff shoved into it. I am thinking of maybe putting up a shelf on the wall for her books. It is hard because I am in an apartment until we figure out where my husband will work as an actuary. Well I will have to take pictures when I get it how I want. For some reason I get a large burst of energy later in the evening when Venice is sleeping and Bryan is studying therefore I can’t do anything. I wish would get all jazzed in the morning so I could get so much done.
Well I do believe that the pain and other side effects from the miscarriage (spontaneous abortion) have passed. So I think the idea that it is called a spontaneous abortion it totally wrong. I think the natural reaction when you find out that you are having a miscarriage is to think “what did I do wrong?” and to me somehow it being called a spontaneous abortion makes you feel that way even more. Now I am a different person and I know that miscarriages just happen and to a woman with P.C.O.S. are much greater than the average. But I know there was nothing I did in fact I was being healthier this time then I was with my first. But I am feeling better but mentally it is back and forth. I don’t think the doctors tell you everything that you go through or maybe you are just too stunned to really listen. Anyhow I think I got through it or at least mostly.
I have gone on a rant here about the difference between “gothic” and “emo” so I found this picture and thought it was funny.
Well I have started to question what people blog about because just rambleing about the stupid mundane things you do on a daily basis seems well stupid. I guess if you are supper funny or have horrible luck then it would be interesting. So if anyone reads this blog tell me what you blog about.
So I started this blog to have a place to write happy things down and as a feel good spot. But I have had a lot go on in my life and if I were to write fluffy stuff not only would it be a load of crap but I would be not being true to myself. I have no respect for false people. But I think instead my blog has become a testament to how resilient the human spirit can be, also that you can choose how you react to life’s issues. I believe that you have to give yourself time, and understand that you will be sad or out of sorts but it is normal. If the sadness that has entered your life is a big one like the death of a family member or very close friend it may take a year or so before you feel any kind of “normal”.
Here are a few suggestions from me:
1. Don’t make any big decisions for a year if you can avoid it at all (move, change jobs, end a relationship and such).
2. Take time for you and let yourself mourn.
3. a lot of people may not understand or they may think you “should” be/act different. Just be you. But make sure that you don’t let it take you over after all you still have a life of your own.
4. Have fun as often as you can! After my brother passed away it took me more than a year before I laughed a real and unforced laugh. But until then I still did fun things and laughed how I could.
5. Also sometimes a little bit of comfort food helps.
Another thing that I have found for me is each new tragedy especially death compounds. Yes it is a different person and relationship that is gone but it just reminds you of the other loss/losses. Also you go through the stages of grief which can remind you of the last time you felt like that.
I am a survivor (sounds cliché) but I have survived a lot and I am looking forward to more happy times. Going through a miscarriage has been hard. Sometimes I am good and looking at the positive side like having more money or being able to spend more alone time with my daughter. But then sometimes I just feel overwhelmingly sad and alone. At those times I just take slow breaths and let myself feel the pain.
It is amazing that we can heal and continue to have happy times again.
Well that is my speech on grief. I would be more than happy to message with anyone who needs. But I will keep expressing my journey here.
Susie has said that I must write down six of my favorite things which is not the easiest task but here I go, in somewhat a particular order.
My six favorite things.
- My wonderful little family: Starting with my husband. He is so amazing! Of course he has his faults but when I need him he is there for me more than I ever could imagine was possible. I would be totally negligent to not say what a wonderful father he is as well. I love seeing the relationship that has been growing with him and Venice. I love when she looks at him like he is so amazing and he looks at her like he knows his purpose. Also in this category would of course be my daughter Venice. She is growing so fast and wants mom so much it warms my heart. If I am sad or hurting she will snuggle or kiss you better. Watching her run around and experience new things is so wonderful.
- My family: Starting with my mother, I have learned so much from my mother and I have always felt completely loved by my mother no matter what decisions I have made in my life. I love my siblings very much and we have such a great time when we get together.
- Books I love to read and I have a stack of books on my nightstand just waiting for me to finish my current book. I worked at a book store for two years and I still want to straighten the shelves when I walk through a book store. I find if I have had bad news or am sad that I can pick up a book and go away for a bit, and as a bonus it is cheaper then alcohol. Lol
- Jumping on my trampoline which has been far too long since I have owned one due to living in apartments but for six years before I moved out I would jump for one to three hours a day. It is a huge stress reliever.
- Having a free day when Venice is at her grandmas and Bryan and I can just play multi-player video games all day and snack here and there but just play all day and laugh and smile. That is a great relationship building tool for us.
- Gadgets and organization tools which usually are linked. I love my laptop and pocket pc, DS and cameras. I feel that if I can organize my bag and schedule that I have some control of life. Which I know is never the case people die, you have miscarriages, cars breakdown, but I feel I can deal with it if I have all my things in order.
Well we received bad news two days ago. We found that there was no heartbeat when we went for an ultrasound. I have decided to tell my story about going through having a miscarriage yes it is sad but maybe it will help others who unfortunately hear those horrible words at an ultrasound “I am so sorry” while they had you a box of tissues. I was there watching the screen trying to figure out what I was seeing and she was doing measuring and I finally asked “how far along am I measuring?” And she said well five weeks and I still did not comprehend what was going on even thought there was no heartbeat I said that is not possible I have had a positive pregnancy test like six weeks ago. “Then she said well there is no heartbeat…I am so sorry”. At this point I think it may have come to my understanding that I was not going to have a baby. I started to cry. I was glad that my mom and my husband were both there to support me. The ultrasound tech said “I will take you to your doctor right away but I know you need a moment.” So my wonderful husband just held me and we cried. My mother was so sad. But then we went to see the doctor. There was a lot of statistics which are always good but I was not really listening all that closely. At this point I was offered many options, One of which is to have a D&C which the doctor would put me to sleep and scrape my uterus and clear out the nonviable fetus. Or I could just let it pass normally. Well I did not have to make a decision right then but I did have to have a Rogham shot because I have O- blood and my husband has A+. So I had to go get my blood drawn so I could get the shot. While sitting in the lab with a huge ball of tissue and my puffy red eyes, a woman came in with two little kids in a stroller a little boy about the same age as my daughter and a small infant. I had to just walk past very fast because seeing the cute new born was breaking my heart. I know I will be able to move on soon but it is just had to have your hopes dashed. So we came home and my beautiful twenty one month old came running and with a big smile and hugged us both. Later as we were hanging out just watching the T.V. to numb our minds we each would take turns crying, and my girl would come up and wipe our tears and give us hugs and kisses.
My doctor had prescribed a small pain pill for me, which I was figuring that I would be having normal period cramps but no there has been so much more pain from this then I would have expected. I have decided to just let it pass normally because there is a slight chance of damaging the cervix. So there is pain but if you keep up with the pain medication it eases the pain. However the pain is a reminder that your dream of a little beautiful child will not be yours now. I am glad however that I only have to wait two cycles to be able to try again when I think in past times it was up to a year they told you to wait. I have PCOS which makes getting pregnant difficult if possible; it also greatly increases your chance of miscarriage.
My husband and I have found that at first there was some tension with us and we have found that holding each other and talking about your lost hopes for the child and feeling close to each other is another important thing. We keep holding each other and talking and making sure to say we love each other. Also we joke around a lot and have talked about what great things we can do with the extra money and time. I have found it is important to see the good side and plan for happy things for the future.
As for me I know I will be alright and now I can work on losing weight and getting in a good place to try again.
Well my dear friend who had cancer passed away on Wednesday. He fought a good fight but atlas the cancer won. He was such a good man and had so many people who loved him. We found this out when we helped his wife to call and inform his friends that he had passed and how many wonderful things we heard from those we talked with. He will always be in our hearts.
So here I sit waiting for Susie at Beans and Brew for our regular weekly girl time and I watch this older woman who is dressed in green plaid golf pants and a sweater with a green hat that has a well loved feather in in and she look’s all around the parking lot for what you ask? I don’t know I would assume change because she also assaults the newspaper machine I think that it is for money. But her clothes are not dirty and I have seen her here before. So I wonder what her story is. It would appear she has someone who loves her unless she is just a clean freak and is looking for change for the laundromat. That is a plausible idea. I often wonder what people are thinking or about their lives when I am people watching. What is your story?