Invaded!

So tonight we decided to take Venice to get her own potty and look into starting her potty training. So we got all ready and headed to the car and BAM!

Leather Jacket?

Invaded.

Something Missing?

Yes that is the sight that we first see. I thought that Bryan had left the car door open but no, broken glass and a feeling of being trespassed upon. We promptly called the police station but they were closed so we called the insurance company (plug for Geico! They have been great with the accident and this) and started the claim and asked what to do. But as I have gone one in detail about how the police don’t come out for these things I asked if I should call the police and Geico said yes but they might not come out. So Luckily I am having someone come out to my mother’s house (will explain) to fix the window first thing in the morning. So we called the police and to our utter shock and surprise they came out. There was not a whole lot to do but he did look for prints but there were none and how are they going to track down the diaper bag? However, my husband has to take his third actuarial exam tomorrow morning and now we have one car. So we took my car (the broken one) to my mother’s house so that it was not sitting with a broken window in the same place. Hello, come take the stuff you were too stupid to take in the first place! But my mother’s carport is rather full right now because for some reason my sister has not licensed her car so it cannot be on the street also my mother’s car window just fell into the door so she has to have her car in too. So the night before Bryan had to take his exam we were cleaning out a carport to fit all the cars in. Poor Venice was so tired by the time we got home. I guess we will go potty shopping another day.

I am just wondering when life will slow down on all of the depressing and awful crap for me. Oh well what can you do…Nothing but pay a hundred dollars for a window and replace a diaper bag.

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Helpful hints from Heather.

So I started this blog to have a place to write happy things down and as a feel good spot. But I have had a lot go on in my life and if I were to write fluffy stuff not only would it be a load of crap but I would be not being true to myself. I have no respect for false people. But I think instead my blog has become a testament to how resilient the human spirit can be, also that you can choose how you react to life’s issues. I believe that you have to give yourself time, and understand that you will be sad or out of sorts but it is normal. If the sadness that has entered your life is a big one like the death of a family member or very close friend it may take a year or so before you feel any kind of “normal”.

Here are a few suggestions from me:

1. Don’t make any big decisions for a year if you can avoid it at all (move, change jobs, end a relationship and such).

2. Take time for you and let yourself mourn.

3. a lot of people may not understand or they may think you “should” be/act different. Just be you. But make sure that you don’t let it take you over after all you still have a life of your own.

4. Have fun as often as you can! After my brother passed away it took me more than a year before I laughed a real and unforced laugh. But until then I still did fun things and laughed how I could.
5. Also sometimes a little bit of comfort food helps.

Another thing that I have found for me is each new tragedy especially death compounds. Yes it is a different person and relationship that is gone but it just reminds you of the other loss/losses. Also you go through the stages of grief which can remind you of the last time you felt like that.

I am a survivor (sounds cliché) but I have survived a lot and I am looking forward to more happy times. Going through a miscarriage has been hard. Sometimes I am good and looking at the positive side like having more money or being able to spend more alone time with my daughter. But then sometimes I just feel overwhelmingly sad and alone. At those times I just take slow breaths and let myself feel the pain.

It is amazing that we can heal and continue to have happy times again.

Well that is my speech on grief. I would be more than happy to message with anyone who needs. But I will keep expressing my journey here.

Why?

Well we received bad news two days ago. We found that there was no heartbeat when we went for an ultrasound. I have decided to tell my story about going through having a  miscarriage yes it is sad but maybe it will help others who unfortunately hear those horrible words at an ultrasound “I am so sorry” while they had you a box of tissues. I was there watching the screen trying to figure out what I was seeing and she was doing measuring and I finally asked “how far along am I measuring?” And she said well five weeks and I still did not comprehend what was going on even thought there was no heartbeat I said that is not possible I have had a positive pregnancy test like six weeks ago. “Then she said well there is no heartbeat…I am so sorry”. At this point I think it may have come to my understanding that I was not going to have a baby. I started to cry. I was glad that my mom and my husband were both there to support me. The ultrasound tech said “I will take you to your doctor right away but I know you need a moment.”  So my wonderful husband just held me and we cried. My mother was so sad. But then we went to see the doctor. There was a lot of statistics which are always good but I was not really listening all that closely. At this point I was offered many options, One of which is to have a D&C which the doctor would put me to sleep and scrape my uterus and clear out the nonviable fetus. Or I could just let it pass normally. Well I did not have to make a decision right then but I did have to have a Rogham shot because I have O- blood and my husband has A+. So I had to go get my blood drawn so I could get the shot.  While sitting in the lab with a huge ball of tissue and my puffy red eyes, a woman came in with two little kids in a stroller a little boy about the same age as my daughter and a small infant. I had to just walk past very fast because seeing the cute new born was breaking my heart. I know I will be able to move on soon but it is just had to have your hopes dashed. So we came home and my beautiful twenty one month old came running and with a big smile and hugged us both. Later as we were hanging out just watching the T.V. to numb our minds we each would take turns crying, and my girl would come up and wipe our tears and give us hugs and kisses.

My doctor had prescribed a small pain pill for me, which I was figuring that I would be having normal period cramps but no there has been so much more pain from this then I would have expected. I have decided to just let it pass normally because there is a slight chance of damaging the cervix. So there is pain but if you keep up with the pain medication it eases the pain. However the pain is a reminder that your dream of a little beautiful child will not be yours now. I am glad however that I only have to wait two cycles to be able to try again when I think in past times it was up to a year they told you to wait. I have PCOS which makes getting pregnant difficult if possible; it also greatly increases your chance of miscarriage.

My husband and I have found that at first there was some tension with us and we have found that holding each other and talking about your lost hopes for the child and feeling close to each other is another important thing. We keep holding each other and talking and making sure to say we love each other. Also we joke around a lot and have talked about what great things we can do with the extra money and time. I have found it is important to see the good side and plan for happy things for the future.

As for me I know I will be alright and now I can work on losing weight and getting in a good place to try again.

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Aging

Watching someone you care deeply for go through pain and sickness gives you a new exposure to humanity. I am so somber thinking of the pain that my friend endures daily now. I am glad that we are able to spend time with him on Sunday’s. Somehow I wish there was some thing I could do to ease his pain.

I have been finding myself repeatedly in situations where I have no control over the predicaments that I am in. This is a very uncomfortable position for me. I am coming to grasp that this is a way of me having to learn that I need to let go of my fear and my controlling ways and try to trust in the processes. This is by no means simple but I am guessing it is something necessary and somewhat urgent due to the amount of situations that I am fighting through. Well I guess life is all about learning. So here I am trying to learn. I can not control everything and it is ok even better that I cant. I keep saying that and the Serenity Prayer and I just might learn something.

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Happy Birthday Rand.

It is so sad to me that I don’t have my brother here to share my life with. I was feeling sad today and I found that I had been short with my daughter and I was frustrated with myself. Then I realized that this is my brother’s birthday. He would have turned forty eight. He has missed so much in my life, and the lives of his children. He was such a great man and to quote one of his favorite artists, Billy Joel “only the good die young”. It is so rude of him to leave us all with out his guidance. He had a brilliant natural ability for diplomacy and a soothing way of letting you admit you were wrong without having to feel bad for it. He always had a way of accenting a special moment and making it even more memorable. Always very concerned about the way he looked he had a very large collection of dress shirts and even his moving or “dress down” attire was something you would see across the pages of a catalog. He was a very personal person and personalization to be his style. Many of his shirts have his monogram not in the average position atop the breast but he placed his on the sleeve of his shirts. I do believe that is where JFK did as well.

I am so honored that Randall William Karrington Sr. was my brother. He gave me many things. He gave me the love of my country, the love of finding the truth, and a belief in honoring tradition and those who came before you because of what they had to accomplish to make the life you lead possible. He gave me a number of the ethics that I have chosen as foundational blocks with which to build my life path on. I hope that I can pass the wonderful teachings as well as the teachings that humans are fallible as well and watching your course is very important to my children. My brother is an immeasurable force in my life and I am sure that through me and all those who knew and love him he still is touching many lives.

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Cancer sucks!

This was so appropriately stated to me by my good friend when we went to see him the day before he stared his new chemotherapy treatment last Wednesday night. He and his wife just have such a great and optimistic outlook it is amazing. It does make it hard to try and figure out what is going on with him. I have to read between the lines and catch small statements to gather how concerned I really need to be.

But after leaving his house that statement stayed with me and I was thinking how much cancer has touched my life. A friend of the family passed away with in three days of finding out he had cancer last year, my grandfather passed away with five different kinds of cancer, my two friends Jan and Ginger had both had spots of cancer removed from their skin, my mother in law had breast cancer removed as well, I had a cousin pass away from cancer that was on her nose, my mothers best friend from junior high school we found out yesterday has cancer in both lungs.

And now my sister has had cancer removed from her nose but it has grown back. What this will mean is unsure it is not a good sign. But it has been found early. But what will this mean to her life as a whole? I guess all I have to say is…..CANCER SUCKS!!

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Goodbye Jan.

Well it has been one year. I can think of you with less pain. I remember such good times and I think that now I am able to think of them and not shove the memory down trying to plug the gaping empty chasm that your absence has left. I had a dream of you. The first one I recall. You were there but I knew you were gone. I was just watching you. Just remembering what you looked like. And how I used to be able to tell you everything and you were always there for me. I miss that. But I am doing better. I wonder if you had any idea how your death would touch my life? Do you know know? What was the meaning of all of the “God winks” as you would say that brought us together? I am glad that you were there for me while you were. I hope you are happy. 

I love that your husband says that its been a year sense you went to see your mom and sister and it looks like you are not going to come back. He has such a great  way of dealing with and saying things. I am stronger then I thought I would be. But now I am thinking that I am ready to fill the chasm with the happy memories and hold dear our friendship. As always, I miss you.

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